“Truly I tell you, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven.” Jesus, Matthew 18:3
Once a year, tens of thousands of people gather in Nevada’s Black Rock Desert to create Burning Man, Rock City, a community dedicated to art, self-expression, and self-reliance. In this crucible of creativity, a particular sculpture caught people’s attention this past year, inviting them to interpret its meaning.
Love sculpture by Ukrainian artist Alexander Milov features two wire-frame adults sitting back to back with their inner child reaching out to each other from within.
Here is what Milov wrote about the sculpture on the festival’s website: “It demonstrates a conflict between a man and a woman as well as the outer and inner expression of human nature. Their inner selves are executed in the form of transparent children, who are holding out their hands through the grating. As it’s getting dark (night falls) the children start to shine. This shining is a symbol of purity and sincerity that brings people together and gives a chance of making up when the dark time arrives.”
A chance of making up
I do believe it is the children inside us that offer hope of “making up when the dark time arrives.” I have seen that over the years that the people who can more easily forgive a hurt and move on are people who are fully engaged with life, in touch with their own aliveness, and have far too much to lose by holding onto grievances.
As a couple’s therapist, I have naturally worked with many couples who have turned their backs on one another in some form or another. They pull in their own directions, creating a tight knot of resentment and projection, as in this photo of the Chinese finger puzzle. The more you pull away from the other person, the tighter the gridlock becomes.
If the solution is to make the counter-instinctual move to move toward each other why is that so hard? This has to do with an overblown aspect of our beings called our ego, which is our mind’s identity of our own self, which we make up, and which is always false, because we cannot experience our full selves as others do. When we take a defensive posture against someone else, our ego is fueled by fear, and our weapons are being right, false pride, false strength, and tactics that denigrate or dismiss the other.
Children have not learned this nonsense yet! They are still in touch with their loveseeds, that pure nugget of infinite potential and love within, that naturally feels connected with all that is. It is the innocent part of us that bravely steps out beyond the conflict with outreached arms.
Holding a grudge is bad for your health
Evidence-based research has shown that feelings of anger, hurt and emotional pain release toxic chemicals inside our bodies that damage organs and our ability to think creatively. This contributes to a variety of diseases, including heart attacks, cancer, ulcers, migraines and high blood pressure.
The occasional negative thought does not hurt the body, because the body is inclined toward health, but the chronic thought, whether conscious or unconscious, begins to create symptoms such as exhaustion, depression, and bitterness. I find it hard to imagine a worse fate than to become a bitter old person with a bag of grudges weighing me down!
It is said that “to forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you.” (Lewis Smedes) In a very real sense, forgiveness is an expression of love that allows a person to see with new eyes—to put the bag of grudges down and walk away from the pain toward a new life.
Forgiveness takes an act of the will that is intentional and voluntary, and often does not come easily. The offended person must actively and willingly surrender feelings and attitudes in regard to the offense, and let go of the negative energy around the incident.
When you are free from the crippling power of unforgiveness, you will gain energy, breathe easier and receive mental, physical, spiritual and emotional healing. There is literally a release of endorphins when this happens, that floods a person with joy and a kind of ambition—- new energy emerges that wants to make things right.
A balancing act of gravity and grace
Living on planet Earth has always been a balancing act of gravity and grace. As the mystic and political activist Simone Weil says in Gravity and Grace, “All the natural movements of the soul are controlled by laws analogous to those of physical gravity. Grace is the only exception. We must always expect things to happen in conformity with the laws of gravity unless there is supernatural intervention.” This movement of grace is the movement of Love radiating in all possible directions into the field of infinite possibility (eros). Each of us comes from that field, the one “beyond wrongdoing and rightdoing,” as Rumi says.
The Spiritual Law of Grace speaks of grace as a kind of Divine expression of mercy bestowed upon human beings. It dissolves karma, changes matter, and creates miracles. Our divine selves, or Souls, accepted the awesome opportunity to become embodied beings on the Earth-plane to experience life as fully as possible, particularly the emotions we feel. We are always at choice, having free will to co-create our lives to the most beautiful and perfect expression of our desires.
When we invoke the Spiritual Law of Grace⎯to transmute and uplift our emotional feelings to heal our relationships, bodies, and even our financial struggles through prayer⎯we must open ourselves to receive. Your prayer causes you to focus, and the Law of Attraction causes everything in the Universe that’s in vibrational harmony with your focus to come to you. Yet, as the American novelist, Flannery O’Connor says, “All human nature vigorously resists grace because grace changes us and change is painful.”
We can, in fact, offer grace to others through compassion, empathy, forgiveness, mercy, and love. Each time we do this we open our hearts to receive an inflow of divine love and mercy, which is truly supernatural intervention.
The exquisite art of forgiveness
The word “forgive” means to wipe the slate clean, to pardon, to cancel a debt. Generally, we avoid forgiveness for two reasons: we are afraid that to do so would be to let the other person off the hook, and we are afraid that we will be hurt again if we do not hold onto the present pain and hurt.
The truth is that whatever you fear more than closing your heart will forever keep you from your full awakening.
Forgiveness asks you to cultivate an Inner Presence that embraces your fears, which then allows you to become truly courageous. That Inner Presence is your loveseed, your own innocence.
Forgiveness is for the sake of giveness—we give a kind of blessing to the person who wronged us, releasing them of their debt to us. When we do not release the debt, we keep ourselves linked with the other person in an unhealthy way, which causes us to be held back in other areas of our lives. My not forgiving you or myself is a way of holding myself back from giving again, and to live your best life, you must live full-out.
As Maya Angelou says, “You can’t forgive without loving. And I don’t mean sentimentality. I don’t mean mush. I mean having enough courage to stand up and say, ‘I forgive. I’m finished with it.’”
Grief is required for true forgiveness. You must grieve the loss of what was taken from you. That includes feeling and surrendering the emotions that arise, including anger. You surrender all judgment. Wherever you continue to hold a grievance against another person, you leak energy that could help you fulfill your purpose on earth.
Marianne Williamson says, “Forgiveness is not always easy. At times, it feels more painful than the wound we suffered, to forgive the one that inflicted it. And yet, there is no peace without forgiveness.”
The most important person to forgive is yourself if you want to engage in the heroic act of forgiving another. The voice inside your head must transform from judgment to compassion for your fear, struggle, pain, and all you’ve gone through. You must be able to see your part and have compassion for self, if you are to genuinely extend that to another. And you must not judge yourself as weak for wanting to repair.
Be a hero
Couple’s therapist Terry Real https://www.terryreal.com/ has a great term describing the moment when every fiber in your being feels angry and revengeful toward the other person, and you instinctually want to scream, sulk, or walk away—-and instead, you find the grace to soften toward yourself, then toward your partner. He calls these moments acts of “relational heroism,” which is a perfect description, because you must have the courage to return to your innocence, and reach out your arms—-and there is a huge risk that it won’t be reciprocated, and that already happened a long time ago.
The innocent hero knows that even if that happens, there is more love where that came from, and because it comes from within. That is the key to repairing any relationship—knowing that you are love itself, as a child knows this most pure truth.
Over the years, I have created handouts to give to couples to help them interrupt the unconscious programming of their power struggle dynamics, and have them step back and bring more awareness and compassion to the process. This one is called Repairing The Bridge: Reconnecting With Your Partner After Being Triggered. On the last page is a “fill in the blanks” section that I recommend clients actually sit down and fill out, then return to their partner to share. Those who do it experience moments of grace!
If you have a prayer this day, pray for the courage of a tender heart. It goes a long way in the painful moments of perceived separation.
I would love of any miracles that happen if you decide to use this simple process. Let me know!
