“When you are compassionate with yourself you trust in your soul, which you let guide your life. Your soul knows the geography of your destiny better than you do.” -John O’Donohue
Self-compassion is more important than self-confidence when it comes to living your purpose because it helps you remain devoted to the messy process of learning without giving up before the confidence sets in.
A common myth is this idea that you must first feel confident before you actually decide what to do about the gap between where you are and where you want to be. You would not expect to pick up the violin and to be able to play right away. It takes time to learn the skill, get the feel, and develop the passion needed to be a good violinist.
The epidemic of low self-esteem
But the truth is that far too many capable and talented people fail to take the steps to master something, because they lack the self-compassion to allow themselves their very own expression. For one thing, our educational system does not support us to feel much self-compassion at all. We are tested and re-tested and compared to and relegated to classes that make it clear where our deficiencies lie. Competition is key if you want to get ahead. Experts in the field of education like Google's Kamau Bobb agree that innovation is the key to our future and a strong foundation in STEM will help ensure that the future will indeed be bright.
Studies show that two-thirds of Americans have low self-esteem, which is the ability to perceive one’s self as lovable and capable, so it has a great deal to do with whether a person has self-confidence or not. A longitudinal study of American school children shows that in first grade, eighty percent feel good about themselves. By 5th grade, 20% score high in self-esteem, and by the time they are ready to graduate from High School, only five percent score high on self-esteem. With so little self-esteem, far too many people feel equipped to achieve a limited amount of freedom, satisfaction, praise or wealth from what they do with their lives.
Research shows that, people with high self-esteem focus on growth and improvement, whereas people with low self-esteem focus on not making mistakes in life, and therefore take fewer risks.
People with low self-esteem are more troubled by failure and tend to exaggerate events as being negative, and there is a correlation between low self-esteem and depression. In fact, it has been proven that people with low self-esteem unconsciously encourage others to treat them poorly.
With low self-esteem there is a tendency to interpret non-critical comments as critical, which prevents the building of confidence—unless you can offset the effects of those comments with self-compassion.
Self-confidence is not a pre-existing condition
It is important to realize that self-confidence is not a pre-existing condition for anyone, and is not a requirement for achieving great and wonderful things.
Fear and trepidation are allowed and expected as we step onto a bigger playing field, as we undertake something we have never done before, or when there are high stakes that depend upon our performance.
In fact, too much self-confidence can become a detriment, because being puffed up and feeing confident feels darn good, and numbs the fear that may be underneath. Those unconscious thoughts and feelings of fear that we ignore have an uncanny way of preventing us from doing our very best and sticking with something that doesn’t come easy.
But there is a difference between being puffed up and being inspired, and inspiration always links you back to your heart. The Free Dictionary says that to inspire means to “breathe life into something.” When there is a project you long to accomplish, like writing a book or making an album or running a marathon, you do not need to feel confident that you can do it ahead of time.
It is in fact, wise to assume that you will often fail in many small ways in the process of achieving something of value. You simply need to put your whole heart into it, and breathe life into what you are doing. You will grow confident that way, the same way you grow muscle by lifting weights.
Growing self-confidence through failure
When you were learning to walk, if you didn’t fall, you would never have walked. Somewhere along the way, in school and possibly before, you internalized that it was necessary for you to always succeed, and that failure was not a tool of learning. You began to experience shame when you failed, comparing yourself to others. The fear and shame inside begins to erode the desire to take risks, and is like a virus that infects your entire self-image. Depending upon your personality, you may attempt to override those feelings with false confidence, or give up trying all together, assuming that the fear means you don’t have what it takes.
If you replace the elusive feeling of self-confidence with the grounded sense of self-compassion, you can begin to welcome failure back into the learning process, and not as commentary on your character. You can offer yourself compassion when you feel disappointed that you did not do as well as you wanted, and you can more easily pick yourself back up and continue with your efforts or try something new. You are not strapped with feelings of inadequacy and the belief that you are not enough, and you can implement new learning more easily into your life.
Dealing with the Inner Critic
Whenever you are reaching for something outside of your comfort zone, you are likely to unleash the harsh voice of the Inner Critic, that ubiquitous part of the ego that mercilessly berates us for not being good enough.
The voice of self-compassion can respond to the voice of the Inner Critic, mitigating its effects and offering a perspective that brings forth even more whole-heartedness.
Confidence is an evolving state of being that increases over time once you have had the self-compassion to fully shine in your own life. You decide affirmatively to say “YES” to the fullest expression of who you are, even though you are afraid and don’t know how.
Self-compassion is the foundation for confidence, not the other way around. As self-compassion grows, so does your confidence that you are on your Soul’s path.
Self-compassion and patience
Self-compassion brings the quality of patience, so needed to achieve anything of great value in our lives. In a world of instant gratification, where you can swipe right and find the love of your life within seconds, (though more likely find a one-night stand), being devoted to a dream that you nurture over time is becoming a lost art. I believe that the rise in the number of people experiencing anxiety has a great deal to do with this unfortunate mindset that fails to value the “old fashioned” virtues of patience, perseverance and the courage to stay with a dream.
Often, outward progress does not reflect the inner progress we must cultivate for years, so relying on self-confidence would be a mistake. We can all take lessons from the Chinese bamboo tree, that grows underground and does not show itself until the fifth year after it’s planted. After five years of fertilizing and watering, with nothing to show for it, the bamboo tree suddenly sprouts and grows eighty feet in just six weeks!
During those years when there is no evidence of growth, the bamboo plant is busy developing a root system that will support the sudden growth to come.
So it is with our dreams and the projects we undertake, whether a business, a book or a relationship. When we see no signs of progress, it’s easy to grow weary. Well-meaning friends and family may attempt to convince us to be more practical, or realistic, and to turn our attention elsewhere. It is easy to fall into doubt, and feel foolish for continuing to remain devoted. Self-confidence is nowhere to be found.
If like the bamboo tree, we cultivate the roots of self-compassion over time, we will have the patience to persevere, and the wisdom to know when to surrender. As we accumulate this wisdom and begin to trust our judgment more and more, we begin to grow an unshakeable confidence in who we are, that is no longer dependent upon what we do.
May I grow self-confidence rooted in self-compassion, that serves me as I shine forth the brightest light within me.
