“The quality of mercy is not strain'd,
It droppeth as the gentle rain from heaven
Upon the place beneath. It is twice blest:
It blesseth him that gives and him that takes.” Shakespeare
Shakespeare was a wise man, and notes the double blessing of extending mercy. Everyday, I see what happens when that simple quality is not freely given. I see the little acts of righteous indignation that begin chain reactions that hurt people at such a deep level, and I think how easily it could be different. We never really know what is going on inside another person unless we stop and take the time to put ourselves in their shoes. See this poignant video.
It is one thing to be kind and caring to someone apparently in need, but how little tolerance we have for someone expressing anger, irritation or frustration. How angry we get at such negativity!!!! How easily we fall unconscious with our knee-jerk reaction of judging another and defending our right to have it different, all the while seething in our own anger.
Minds judge, hearts close, and it is all so automatic…so unconscious, so survival driven. We hold someone else to a standard of perfection that we ourselves are not measuring up to:
The wife gets angry at her husband for being frustrated that the basement is flooding again, for the 3rd time. She refuses to “tolerate” his negativity, leaving him even more frustrated, and the drama unfolds.
Spare him some mercy. Let him be frustrated. Join him and let him know you understand. He’ll appreciate you so much, and most likely apologize for being so negative.
The daughter barks at her mother for telling her how to drive, and the mother makes a big deal of it and grounds the daughter for being disrespectful, as she scolds her for all the times in the past that she has been the same way. The daughter’s need for respect gets lost in the process, and the drama unfolds.
Spare her some mercy. Tell her you don’t like back-seat drivers yourself, and that you will do your best to stop the habit. She will feel heard and probably thank you, and even say she is sorry for barking.
The mother in line at the supermarket slaps her young child out of total exasperation from the child’s constant whining and nagging as she attempted to quiet a younger infant in the carriage. Mr. Superiority behind her calls the cops, the mother is shamed and becomes even more angry, and the drama unfolds.
Spare her some mercy. Ask if you can give her a hand. Distract the screaming child so that she feels supported. She will find it in herself to respond with more kindness to her child, which is what it is all about.
All mammals have the same emotions and they help us cope with everyday life, allowing us to communicate what we feel toward certain situations, people, things, thoughts, senses, dreams, and memories. Many psychologists believe that there are six main types of emotions, also called basic emotions. They are happiness, anger, fear, sadness, disgust, and surprise. I would add shame as a powerful emotion that humans carry.
The instincts of rage and terror are from a different and more primitive part of the brain, and all these parts together comprise the limbic system. The limbic system is a complex set of structures in the brain that includes the hypothalamus, the hippocampus, the amygdala, and cingulate cortex.
In this part of the brain we have “mirror neurons” which allow us to resonate with other mammals at this very basic level, so that you actually are “on the same brainwave,”—- part of your brain vibrates in concert with the limbic system of another. We call this empathy. It is cousin to compassion and mercy, for in order to have mercy, you must feel that empathic connection. For this to happen, you must slow down long enough, not believe the incessant chatter in your own head, and take the other person in. The ability to do that is one of the most important abilities any human can learn.
The limbic system assigns emotional significance to everything we smell, see, hear, feel, and taste, monitors both our internal and external environment, and is known as the seat of social and emotional intelligence. It is the brain’s anxiety “switch”. Under normal circumstances, the protective mechanism of the limbic system would only switch on in times of actual danger or threat.
Now we know that the continued over-activation of the limbic system, called stress, can cause cross-wiring of the normal neuronal circuits in the brain causing distorted unconscious reactions, sensory perceptions and protective responses. Over time this pattern of distorted reaction becomes habitual and can result in a range of neurological, immunological and endocrine system abnormalities, from chronic pain, OCD, anxiety, depression, chronic fatigue, etc.
What is even more concerning is that this all kinds of drugs that interfere with the normal healthy functioning of the limbic system are being used to “manage” symptoms that come from breakdowns in connection with one’s self and other human beings. 
There really is no pill you can take to have empathy for yourself or another person. You learn it by being willing to surrender your need to be right for the sake of the connection. People who are able to do that lead far happier lives and have much more nourishing relationships.
Here are 3 simple actions you can take that can make all the difference in your relationships:
- Stop and mirror back what you hear the other person is saying/feeling. That includes if they feel angry. This gives you a moment to slow down and take them in. They will feel you “getting” them and relax, and you will relax as you focus on them and not the judge in your head.
- Remember the powerful teaching of the Course in Miracles: “All attack is a cry for love.” If the person is complaining, negative, or otherwise unpleasant, remember the desire behind it all. You know this from your own bouts with crankiness. Get over yourself. You are not perfect, and are still lovable. I like to use the ho’pononpono prayer: “I am sorry, please forgive me, thank you, I love you,” to clear any judgments I have.
- Join the person in some way. Your sense of separateness is an illusion. You could validate their concern, make warm eye contact, offer a gentle smile, ask what you can do to help, reach out physically, where appropriate. Even if they are not receptive, you will have made a difference, trust me. You do not have to behave like an alpha dog who needs to be on top.
All of this is of course much easier if you have made friends with your own emotions. This is a fabulous Ted Talk about the importance of practicing emotional hygiene. so that we can be available for ourselves and others.
If you want some real inspiration about how one fellow has taken a stand for a new kind of mercy with addicts (and we all are), watch Johann Hari’s deeply personal talk.
Remember, when you extend mercy to another and take the time to see beyond their ego, you come from beyond your own. That changes the world big time!!!
Let me know how I can support you in having the healthiest relationships you possibly can, as we all do our part. You can reach me here: Clarity Session.
