“The capacity to experience true compassion is evolutionary, and can move you to do remarkable acts of kindness and generosity without getting burnt out. It often takes many decades to arrive at that dynamic balance of meeting your own needs and the needs of others.” Kathleen Hanagan
From different aspects of the Self
Compassion and co-dependence arise from different aspects of the Self. One way to understand this is to use the system of the chakras to differentiate the source of each.
Our emotions reside physically in our bodies, and our bodies are constantly communicating with the energies around us on a subtle level. Energetic impulses are seen to relate directly to certain parts of the body, as in “I had a feeling in my gut,” or “I felt my heart breaking.”
The Hindu tradition has called these different energetic impulses chakras, or “wheels” in Sanskrit. There are 7 of them, and each is an interface for the flow of shakti, or life energy. A healthy or balanced chakra vitalizes a physical body, whereas an imbalanced chakra leads to imbalances in others, and the need to take energy from somewhere else.
These chakras, balanced or not, influence the way we interface with the world. A balanced chakra system allows a free flow of this life force, which doesn’t need to take from others.
In the course of facing life’s challenges, you can actually develop healthy balanced chakras by becoming aware of and letting go of emotional blockages. This allows you to walk on a spiritually conscious path, where you will meet many other amazing evolving human beings.
One is giving and the other taking
Codependence is a behavioral and psychological condition where one person enables another person's addiction, poor mental health, immaturity, irresponsibility, or under-achievement. A core characteristic of codependency is an excessive reliance on other people for approval and a sense of identity, and there is usually a high degree of manipulation involved.
A common definition is that you are dying, and someone else’s life passes before your eyes. There is a blurring of psychological and emotional boundaries, arising from a sense of incompleteness or need, on both sides. These are dysfunctional one-sided relationships that lead to resentment and inhibit emotional and spiritual growth, among other things.
Co-dependence arises out of imbalances in the lower 3 chakras, which have to do with survival, emotional connection, and power.
- 1st or root chakra, is connected with the tribe, tradition, and security. It is the chakra of stability, security, and meeting our basic needs, which begins in the family. It is about our emotional needs of interconnection, and the need to feel safe to remain healthy.
- 2nd or sacral chakra, concerned how we relate to others outside the tribe. When it is healthy, we have the impulse to discover satisfying relationships and sexual interests of our own. It is also about our need to control or create the dynamics of our physical world, including the people and resources available to us.
- 3rd or solar plexus chakra, is concerned with issues of personal power, self-esteem, willfulness and energy. A healthy balance in the solar plexus would be shown as having motivation, purpose, and confidence.
If the first chakra is already out of balance with lack of root support from your family and tribe, then how are you supposed to learn how to form harmonious relationships and healthy physical interests later in life? And if there is no stability and relationships are filled with too much chaos, a person’s self-esteem will not grow.
According to expert Dr. Joe Rubino, “Studies show that at least 85% or more of the world's people suffer from some degree of lacking self-esteem.” Self-esteem is the perception of one’s self as lovable and capable. If you don’t feel worthy of being loved, you will need to manipulate, and if you don’t feel smart enough, you will begin to “hustle for worthiness” as Brene Brown calls it.
A classic example is a woman with low self-worth who remains loyal to a husband who drinks excessively and becomes emotionally and verbally abusive. She covers for him with his boss when he is too hung over to go to work, and does all she can to keep him happy, as she is terrified to leave, and is dependent on his money and the illusion of security that the marriage provides.
This kind of arrangement does not support true giving. It is said that “Service doesn’t start when we have something to give—it blossoms naturally when we have nothing left to take.”
With co-dependence, you come from an empty cup.
Compassion on the other hand, arises from the heart—the 4th chakra, and also the spiritual heart, or Sacred Heart in the center of your chest. This part of you sees all things as connected. It is a sweet spot that is wired into human beings, particularly as they mature emotionally and spiritually.
Compassion literally means to suffer together. Emotion researchers define it is as the feeling that arises when you are confronted with another's suffering and feel motivated to relieve that suffering. Compassion is not the same as empathy or altruism, though all of them can arise from limbic system resonance, a capacity for attunement that is innate to mammals.
The capacity to experience true compassion is evolutionary, and can move you to do remarkable acts of kindness and generosity without getting burnt out.
It often takes many decades to arrive at that dynamic balance of meeting your own needs and the needs of others.
You do this by fulfilling your vow over and over again to be your full self, with compassion. This develops the muscle of discernment, and allows you to have healthy boundaries, which are essential for a conscious relationship. As soon as you are out of compassion with yourself, you are not able to be there for others, and it is time to turn your attention to yourself.
The desire to make a difference in the world is such a beautiful and powerful impulse that arises from the loveseed, or essence of a person. When it is awakened fully, you begin to experience the global heart, which is the felt sense that we are all made of the very same substance, moving through time on this green planet. Your capacity for compassion begins to expand.
In mystical terms this is called Unity Consciousness, where all illusion of separateness falls away, and you experience a connection at the Source, or loveseed, with all other beings. A prerequisite is to care of your own heart first. It is only when you do, and fully embrace all of you in compassion and love, that you are no longer seeking to get something from someone else. You are truly giving.
You may often feel an ache in your global heart, for what is happening on the planet. Taking good care of yourself allows you to raise the vibration of the pain, often felt in the belly, into the heart to of a place of compassionate. A powerful spiritual practice that facilitates such transformation is tonglen, a meditation practice found in Tibeten Buddhism, where you take in the pain of others, and through a process of spiritual alchemy, ease the suffering with the compassion in your own heart.
With compassion you come from a full cup.
Compassion and co-dependence feel completely different
Compassion is light and expansive, where as co-dependence feels and heavy, and constricted.
With compassion, a person my experience an inner joy in alleviating suffering. Many people on the planet at this time have taken a vow to extend compassion as much as possible. This is often called a Bodhisattva vow, taken by Mahayana Buddhists to continue to be reborn as a human being until all beings are free from suffering. You do not need to be Buddhist to take this beautiful vow.
With co-dependence, a person my feel a sense of power or security that they confuse with happiness. There are often crises in co-dependent relationships, and one of the hard lessons a person often learns is that they didn’t have as much control as they thought. If a person can move past resentment, and begin to have compassion for their own being, transformation can occur. This is often the beginning of a person’s conscious spiritual journey.
The name Kuan Yin, the Goddess of Compassion, is a short form for Kuan-shi Yin, meaning “Observing the Sounds (or Cries) of the (human) World”.
With co-dependency, personal boundaries are muddled and a person does not take good care of the self. With compassion, the sign that you need to take care of yourself is when you no longer feel the compassion and joy of giving. This can be a temporary state, and is often from a condition called “compassion fatigue.”
The term “compassion fatigue” can arise for those who are over-identified with this beautiful archetype represented by Kwan Yin, or the Great Mother, and who give until it hurts. Compassion Fatigue is a state experienced by those helping people or animals in distress. It can lead to an extreme state of tension and preoccupation with the suffering of those they are helping, that brings on secondary traumatic stress for the helper.
When this happens, the joy is no longer experienced and giving can be experienced as a burden. The cup needs to be refilled, and radical self-compassion is called for. If a compassionate giver does not take a break and focus on self-care, their giving can devolve into co-depedence.
Likewise, a person feeling the resentment of doing something they don’t want to do in caring for another, can shift their perception and infuse their giving with compassion, once they have nurtured themselves with their own self-compassion.
A wonderful client of mine who had finally developed enough self-compassion to stop being co-dependent with her heroine-addicted son called one day to get a reality check about something her son needed to get back on his feet. He had already kicked his habit, and was motivated to get his GED in order to secure a job. While he was using, she had stopped enabling him by giving him money, and now he needed $39 to get the certificate. That was a great reason to support him, and she felt joyful in her giving again.
Self-compassion is the basis for all kinds of giving that the world needs at this time.
May I discern the source of my giving and include myself as I do.
May my cup runneth over, that I have something to give.
May I feel the joy of true compassion, that helps to alleviate the suffering of others.
